DISCLAIMER: i started writing this at 4:17 in the morning going on only 4 hours of sleep. if it doesn’t make sense, set your alarm for 4:00 am and reread it… if it still doesn’t make sense, there’s nothing more i can do for you here. okthanksbye!
you know that phrase “you’ve lost your marbles?” where do they go when you lose them? i am speaking in the figurative, not literal sense. i haven’t played marbles in years. so i guess you could say, if i were in fact speaking literally, i lost mine years ago. however, as we are currently in the figurative world, i’ll say i lost mine about 17 minutes ago when i started laughing about the fact that yet again, it was 4:00 am and i was awake.
4:00 am seems to be my jam. somehow, when i look at the clock in the middle of the night it’s always 4 o’clock in the freaking morning. this is not something i relish, however it is something i accept. my compulsion to check the clock started years ago, i know it’s not healthy and all the sleep experts tell you not to, but if i don’t check it, i can’t go back to sleep. i wouldn’t generally describe myself as an OCD person… 87.2% of the time i’m much more of a go-with-the-flow type, but it’s little idiosyncrasies like this that just make me awesome.
the problem i have with waking up at 4 is that when i’m anxious about something or stressed or sad, that is the only time of day i just can’t turn off my emotions. i can’t block thoughts from my head so when i’m not in the best place mentally and i wake up in the middle of the night, not-so-stellar things happen. that’s the problem with being someone who compartmentalizes things in her brain, sometimes those compartments come bursting forth in a blaze of glory when you least expect it.
but it’s ok.
i have to remind myself that sometimes, it’s ok to lose your marbles for a minute. you’ll find them again (or you’ll set up shop in a mental institution… either way, at least you have a plan). so today… tonight?… instead of a panic attack, i giggled. some might say maniacally, but hey, it kept me breathing right? and i decided to put my time to good use. now that i have recorded my thoughts for posterity sake, i’m going to run some errands.